I think I never really was one of those girls that wanted to settle. I wanted the head over heels, madly in love, be with you forever kind of connection. I think when I finally fell in love at 23 I had all but given up on finding my happily ever after. When we first started talking I knew he was smooth. He would sneak little things into our conversations he knew about me from our mutual friend. Things he knew would catch my attention. It worked and eventually I gave him a chance. One of the first times we hung out, we stayed up all night talking and laughing. I knew then, this was different.
The first few months of our relationship were nothing less than perfect. Like every guy normally does, he tried his best to wow me and we took trips and bought each other nice things. It wasn’t until about 5 months in that I could tell things were already different. They say stress really shows you who a person is and it definitely began to take its toll on our relationship. Shortly after I graduated he found out there was a possibility he was going to lose his job. So after discussing the options, he decided to stay with his company and relocate to another city. We made plans for me to come after my lease up because the opportunity worked well for both of us.
He left to start the new position and after about a month apart things just didn’t seem the same. I chalked it up to us both being busy and we made plans for me to come in March to find a place. We settled on an apartment and it finally felt like I was getting my happy ending.
I got there a few days before Memorial Day and was so excited to start the next chapter of our lives. Obviously, this wasn’t meant to happen because a few days later he was arrested in our apartment. Mind you I knew the extent to his past, but what he did not know was that your past has a funny way of catching up to you. We spent the next few months battling the charges that were brought against him and I stood by his side through everything. I loved him and I knew that wasn’t the person he was anymore. The stress continued to pile up, as we didn’t know what would happen. I would sob at night wondering if he was going to ever come home.
He did eventually come home, but had already checked out mentally. At that point he didn’t know what his future held and I knew deep down he didn’t seem to care if I stayed or left.
We tried to make it work for another few months, but it was a constant pattern of fighting. He wanted to go out and party and spend what little money we had to make himself happy, and I wanted to stay home and watch movies and just be with him. Eventually he cheated on me and I found out. EVEN after that, I just wanted him to want me like he use to. He was my best friend and the first person I turned to, but it just wasn’t the same anymore.
After about a year and a half of me trying desperately to make him see how much I loved him, he pulled the plug. Said the lease was up and he didn’t want to sign another one. Said he wanted to live with friends. So I packed up all that I owned that was left in that little apartment and cried all the way home. I sobbed for weeks wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why couldn’t I make him want me like he use to? Why did he seem so happy that I was gone? Why did it seem like I never existed?
Two years later and I still care deeply about him. I just recently found out that he currently lives with his new girlfriend it was definitely a dagger in the stomach. I’m not sure if I miss him or what we had, but I do know that apart of me will always love him even if he doesn’t feel the same way.
Signed,
Heartbroken