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In 2013 I met this guy. I was 20 years old at the time and he was 18 years old. His name is too uncommon so let’s call him Guy. We met on an online dating site called Plenty of Fish. I have horrible memory so bear with the story and excuse if things are unclear or rocky. Anyways, we eventually exchanged numbers and talked for some time, until we both finally decided to meet up. I remember he had told me has was at a friend’s house and when I agreed to meet up he got all excited and went home to shower and change. It was late in the evening, so he tells me he’s outside and I get in his car. It wasn’t an actual date. He didn’t take me to dinner or anything. Instead he said he knew about this one building where we can sneak up onto the roof, so we did. We talked until 7:00 am.

Fast forward to a couple of months ahead. We’re hanging out at his house and he gets a call from his brother stating to bring a game console controller to where he was at. So I agree to tag along. He directs me to how to get to the friend’s house and he’ll meet me there, stating he left something in the car. As I’m walking, I notice a little park and he’s standing there. I really love double stuffed Oreo’s and Alice in Wonderland so I notice a box of Oreos, a plush Cheshire cat and a note. I open it and it reads “will you be my girlfriend?” I know, super corny but at the time I thought it was the cutest thing ever so I agree.

The next couple of months are going pretty well. One night, I just felt a little off. He drops me off home and I tell him that I’m not feeling it too much and I think we should break up. Of course he’s confused and his eyes get a little teary eyed. He tells me he doesn’t want it to end. I don’t remember how the conversation went but I ended up staying with him.
Years pass and the relationship is still rocky. I get to know the real him and he’s not affectionate or expressive with his feelings. I am the type of person that needs physically affection and to be told/reminded of his feelings towards me. He never told me I was pretty or he loved me. He never really hugged me or held my hand in public. I understand some people aren’t like that but I need that type of validation and affection to feel loved. He also was the type of guy to have his friends around all the time. And I mean all the time. His friends were always around and he always wanted them around to the point where we barely got any time alone. I express how his lack of affection and time makes me feel and he says he’ll try. Time passes and it just goes back to how everything was and the arguments over the same issues continues. He says “this is just who I am.”

We were on and off for the next 2 years. We would fight almost every day but we still talked and hung out. Later, I found out he had been hanging out with another girl for 7 months. She ends up finding me on social media and sends me screenshots of the messages he told her saying that him and I don’t talk or hang out when we very much still did. He even let her stay over his house. I was sleeping around and going on dates with other guys, but finding out he was with ONE girl for 7 MONTHS devastated me. It sounds a lot more serious to be with the same person for 7 months than me just messing around with random guys. When I found out, I confronted him and he tried everything in his power to keep me. We ended up getting back together but things only got worse. I didn’t trust him, I always questioned where he was, would look over his shoulder when he was on the phone….he still didn’t express any affection or time. It was just horrible but till this day….November 2017 I cannot let go of him. No matter how toxic we are to each other and how we aren’t meant to be…I can’t let go but I have to try. It’s one of the hardest things I have to do. As selfish as this sounds, I just can’t stand the thought of him moving on and being happy without me and being with someone else and making efforts for her and being the way I wanted him to be with her….but him not being able to do it for me.

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