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First off, I never had much time to think about relationships with guys because I have a very complicated family situation.

I started college and found an outlet from the all of the emotional distress in my family.

I never dated anyone in high school, even though I was the “popular & pretty” girl.

I never felt connected to any guy and I always worried that I’d never find someone who could understand that I may be appealing on the outside I also have a lot of passion and depth (& unfortunately a fucked up family to deal with).

Right before my junior year of college though, my best guy friend (it had been a completely platonic friendship for 2 years) needed a friend to help him drive his car back to his home state 21 hours away.

I love adventure and he was someone I enjoyed so I said sure right away.

The second day of the car ride I realized I was in love with him and I was shocked.

We met up with a mutual friend to spend the week at his beach house and before I left we had decided that we wanted to try things out as a couple.

He spent the next three years loving me, seeing all of the good in me, giving me my first sense of self-worth, being there for me through all of the ridiculous drama my family stirred up, traveling with me, bringing me along to family holidays, not wanting to spend a second apart, planning for our future, telling me how smart he thought I was, deciding every meal together, laughing constantly, but above all loving each other in a way I’ve never felt before.

We had rough spots, everyone does, a couple break ups during those three years but we always found our way back to each other and once we did it was like nothing ever changed. I found my passion in school, philosophy, and became dedicated to pursuing a law degree.

Personally, I’m extremely intellectually driven and I felt a wedge being driven between us as I became more interested in everything intellectual and he stuck to his guy friends and sport so he usually wasn’t interested in the things I was dying to have a conversation about.

I became frustrated and angry, I took it out on him.

I began to realize that I wasn’t frustrated with him, I just couldn’t admit to myself that I had to choose.

Choose between a life of pursuing my dreams and goals or pursuing the love of my life, because I knew I couldn’t have both.

If I went for my passion, I knew it was something I’d have to do alone if I wanted to be as committed to it as I wanted to be.

If I went for him, I knew it would’ve been a life of expectations and compliance but worst of all possibly a life of resentment.

I came to the decision that even though I knew I would never find a love like the one I had with him it was better to let it go and pray that one day we find our way back to each other. I loved him when I broke up with him, I loved him before that, and I love him just as much now.

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to choose yourself.

As much as I still love him and miss even just his friendship, I knew that if I didn’t give myself a chance to do what I know in my heart is what I am supposed to then I would end up resenting the life I had with him. And to me, the latter was a far worse outcome.

Now I get to love myself, love my passions, work hard, be independent, and most importantly create the life I want.

I could’ve stayed with him, sacrificed my dreams for love but I chose the harder path in hopes that I wouldn’t have to end up resenting the person that I still consider my soul mate.

Also, in hopes that maybe if I follow and trust my heart now I’ll be led down a path where I can achieve my life goals and if I’m lucky that path might just lead me right back to him at the right time.

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