I let him ruin my life again and again. I let him dim the light inside me, so that no one else could see the good I had to offer. Time and time again, I gave into his selfish lies, his dopey smiles and half hearted apologies. I settled for what I thought was love, and now I am stuck here realizing it was just manipulation, abuse and selfishness.
I was a stupid teenager who wanted to date the cool football player. Problem is I was a great person, better than any high school boy would’ve ever deserved. I was naive, loyal to a fault, curious and excited by everything, worst of all I wanted to be loved so badly. I was desperate. So I settled for the first cute bad boy to walk my walk. Turns out he wasn’t the rich bad boy type that filled my private high school. He was the pity, diversity acceptance. His parents were abusive to each other, alcoholics and drug addicts filled the family, and soon he was one of them. Silly me, I stuck around to be nice, mainly since he was my first time. The lies started, my senior year became miserable. Since he was in “rehab” but was really just out at parties while I sat at home and drove him to AA meetings.
I let a cycle like this go on into my freshman year of college. I became nearly anorexic from the anxiety and insecurity he gave me. I put my foot down at times, but continued to deal with the bullshit my sophomore and some of junior year. I was such a dumb idiot. As a proud feminist, yet a weak cancer sign, I’m not surprised but also disgusted at the things I let him say to me and how he treated me.
He broke up with me on New Year’s Eve as I was packing to study abroad. So I went to London, all alone and heartbroken. I stayed heartbroken for months, toying with how I could get back with him. I didn’t hook up with people, I did miss some opportunities. But I finally gained my voice. I learned confidence from being an ocean away from the toxic cycle of him.
I saw him only once since I went abroad. I asked him if I had changed, knowing I had, I just wanted confirmation. He replied no, and I never wanted anything to do with him again.
I’m thankful for the lessons, I can’t dwell on what I missed, I’m just glad that I’m a stronger person now than I ever would’ve been. I will never let a boy treat someone like I was treated again.