I met J while I was ending my 5 year relationship with a man who shattered my spirit and self esteem. I described our meeting as kismet … something he referenced later on in a sweet note he left me on my desk. I was hesitant to give myself to him especially my heart since it was still in repair. The wounds were still raw; the stitches hadn’t healed. He told me he wait for as long as I needed. He told me I was amazing. He told me I was his Queen. He said and wrote things to me I had always wanted to hear but never had. I slowly began to show my true self to him because he embraced me when the tears fell. He hugged me, pulled me to his chest and said three words I’ll never forget “let it out.” That was the moment. That was the moment I fell for him. Hard. The connection between us only intensified. We fell hard and fast. He started using words like love, our future, marriage, commitment. I felt it was too soon because we had only known each for months. And I expressed concern and nervousness but I also embraced it. For the first time in a relationship I felt like a “we.” I felt like a team. He told me he couldn’t love me at my best if he couldn’t love me at my worst. I met his family. We made plans for trips, out future.
And suddenly it stopped. Suddenly the texts that called me amazing and beautiful went away. Suddenly he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. Suddenly he wanted to see what else was out there. Suddenly I was only seen as his best friend but nothing more because we weren’t compatible. He broke my heart into a million pieces. I keep rereading the sweet notes and messages. When will the pain stop? How can someone just stop feeling this way about me? All I want to do is change his mind. How can you tell me I deserve better when all I want is you? The guy I fell for. How can you suddenly not be that guy anymore? How can you suddenly just decide I’m not what you want anymore. Why am I not good enough?