Brace yourself. It’s a long story…
It was the end of my first semester of college when I met him. Literally, it was the last day of the semester before going home for the winter break.
We talked every single day during the winter break. We didn’t miss not a single day. We were always on facetime; from morning to night, AM to PM. We would talk about everything and nothing at the same time. We never ran out of stuff to say. We had our first date and it was amazing. We would count down the days until the spring semester started because we would be alone together with no time limit. We spent New Years together on facetime. We would fall asleep and wake up on facetime. We called each other babe and baby. We would say how we missed each other and how we couldn’t wait to get back to campus and spend time together.
And when we got back to campus that first, that’s exactly what we did. We spent it together. We went on a romantic walk and then spent the night talking and cuddling in my room. As the days and weeks went by, we grew closer and closer. I was telling him stuff about me that I would never tell anyone. He accepted me quickly over things that took me years to accept myself. I was completely vulnerable with him and he was vulnerable with me. I felt totally safe with him. I was smitten. I can admit that.
We had the perfect beginning to what could have been a beautiful college love story.
The arguments started the following months. We would argue about his interactions with other females. I always thought he was too friendly with his female friends. Actually, with any female I saw him interacting with. I wouldn’t say I was jealous. I was territorial because I didn’t want females on my special person. He would say that I had no reason to be mad because he said that he didn’t want to be tied down and be in a committed relationship. He did let me know what he wanted.
SN: In this generation, there’s this thing called a talking phase and that’s what we were in.
SN: The forever talking stage where it’s more than a friendship but there’s never a guarantee that a relationship will come out of the talking phase. We were in an open talking phase.
It didn’t make sense to me. HE didn’t make sense to me. In one of our very first fights, we both cried talking about how we didn’t want to lose each other. He felt terrible that he made me cry. He whispered during the argument that he loved me.
(I didn’t believe him but that’s a different story. )
We always made up after the arguments but nothing was ever solved which led to more arguments. Somewhere between the arguments and the great moments, I fell hard for him and he fell for me. I would argue and say I loved him more than he loved me but he would say that he loved me more than i loved him.
(I don’t believe that of course.)
We had great moments. We went on dates. Double dates. We made a list of things we wanted to accomplish together. We were each other valentines for valentines day. We would grab breakfast together. He would walk me to class and pick me up. I would steal and wear his clothes all the time. He liked when I took his clothes. My closet would consist of his clothes. We would spend every other moment with each other. He was my rock.
Like I said, we could have been that college couple who were destined to be together.
But back to the arguments. As stated before, he didn’t make sense to me. He would treat me so well (or is it good … i don’t really know). He would treat us like we were actually a couple. One of his friends asked him if I was his girl, and he said yes. Our friends thought we were a couple. But back to what I said, he didn’t make sense to me. He would get mad that I was mad that he was fooling around with other girls.
I don’t think he ever understood why I was mad.
I would get mad because I fell for him hard. I truly had love for him. So for him to want to mess around with other girls but still claim that he loved me didn’t make any sense to me.
How could you love me but not want to be with me? How could you say that the other girls don’t compare to me? How could you say I have your heart but then you turn around and give your body to others?
It’s was hard for me to comprehend that he didn’t want commitment when his actions would say something else.
I felt like I wasn’t enough. I felt like I was lacking something. I felt like he was looking for something in the other girls that I did not have. I would often ask him “What don’t I have?”, “What am i lacking?” He would get mad but reply that it’s not that; it was for experience. But i could never understand that because it just didn’t make sense.
He said he loved me frequently. That he cared for me more than I cared for him. That he didn’t want to ever lose me in his life. That I was one of the most important women in his life. And that I was his bestfriend.
You can tell why I fell so hard for him. The love surely blinded me.
We were like this for the rest of freshmen year. Always getting into arguments. But it seemed like the arguments got worse every time. We were arguing about the same thing every three days. Since I loved him, I would try to compromise with him talking with other girls and since he loved me, he would try to compromise with me. But we never settled on anything.
To make myself feel better and handle him with other girls, I tried to get with other guys. I had a hard time. I would feel so guilty if he was to find out. I felt like I was cheating on him with another guy even though we weren’t together at all. Also, it was hard for me to go from someone who I just vibed so well with to someone who didn’t know me. Who i didn’t know. Who i didn’t want them know me. I had already found someone who had accepted me for who I was with no hesitation. Why would I want to go look for something else when I already found it. Thats one of the reasons why I would ask him, “What are you looking for?” Also, I compared myself to other girls always wondering if he would go for them. Thinking if I looked like them, would he chose only me. My self esteem was become poor. That was not healthy.
I would tell him this and he would try to reassure me that I had his heart and that I had nothing to worry about.
During the summer, we had our first ‘break’. That first break led to a few more breaks later on in the year. By now, it has been almost a year of great moments, breaks, and arguments. Towards the end of last year December, right before winter break, we decided that we were just avoiding the inevitable and we should just end things.
And thats what we did. We had officially ended anything romantic between us.
That is where our story was suppose to end.
LOL Suppose to end
We relapsed here and there. He would text me over the winter break that he misses me or that he just wanted to be with me physically. Like he wanted me there with him. I would tell him that I missed him back because I truly did. He was my best friend. Even throughout the following semester, I would still fall back to him and vice versa. He would say he loved me here and there. I stopped saying it first because I wanted to detach myself from him. I would say it back but never first. I did get use to him not being as frequent in my life as he was when we first started talking. I comfortably got with other guys and didn’t feel as much guilt as I did before. I was starting to move on from him. Slowly but surely.
If you actually read all of this,
1. Thank you for taking this trip with me
2. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just let him go from the beginning.
I thought I could change his mind. I thought if I showed him what I can do for him, he would want me. He would stop messing around and just chose me. Just have me. Just be with me. He accepted my flaws so quickly while it took me years to accept them. He saw me for who I was. He got to know me and when he did, he loved me. He made me feel safe. He was my escape when I needed to get away. I felt like he tried to love me but not in the traditionally way. Also, I badly wanted to be truly loved by someone so I tried to keep it where I thought I felt it coming from.
If you were dealing with somebody who saw the perfections in your imperfections, would you want to let them go?
But that was also my problem. I didn’t WANT to let him go but I NEEDED to let him go.
It was inevitable.
I can admit. This whole experience has left me a bit damaged. I don’t open up. I open up as little as possible. It seems to detour and/or harm some of the friendships that I have. I just don’t see the point anymore in letting people in if they’re just going to leave in the end. Save myself the trouble. I stopped expecting things from people. Honestly, I just expect everybody to let me down. Words don’t mean anything to me anymore. It’s going to be a long time til I let myself fall for someone. My bricks are high. I’ve been told that my bricks are up. I won’t be taking down my bricks anytime soon. After giving my complete all to someone who I honestly thought I would end with to only not end up with the person is disheartening and a real turn off towards anything angling in the romantic department. And I don’t really believe in love anymore.
I guess you can say I was at fault for staying with him.
I don’t really care.
I thought he was worth it. I felt like he was worth it.
Because I truly did love him.
With all my heart.
Moral of the story: Don’t put someone as your priority if they didn’t put you as their priority.
Learned the hard way.
Thank you for reading my heartbreak.