I was irritated at something in my computer when the work doorbell rang and I had to get up to open it since I sat the closest. I grew even more irritated.
When I opened the door, I looked down so the person couldn’t see how mad I was but then I looked up just briefely and this overwhelming smile just beamed at me. I can’t explain it. Your smile is feels like home. It feels like everything good in the world. It feels like everyone’s birthdays and Christmas came together. From that moment on I was hooked on that smile.
I’m terrible with feelings and emotions. I have just about two people that I can honestly say I trust and when’s i met you all I wanted to do was be around you but I did not know how to be all that and closed off at the same time . So I did what I do and I sabotaged. Said some weird things and acted in strange ways to throw you off. I wanted you to dislike me.
Yet. Then the inevitable happened and I started to care. It did not happen gradually, it just crashed on top of me. Suddenly I did not know what to do or how to act so I told you some deep things about me… again to throw you off but then I realised I wanted you to know how I felt so I told you. Via Text. Who does that?
The 6 days that followed while I awaited your reply were torture. I wanted you to tell me you were over this . Then I could begin to heal. I did not understand how I could have never cared before and now all over sudden caring is all I did. Heart in mouth , a phrase that I became very familiar with in this time.
Then your reply came. A weight was lifted . Questions were still unanswered. Do you like me too or have I pushed you too far away. To this day I still do not know. I am traveling to the city next week, I text you to ask if I could possibly meet you for a chat. I’m anxious for your reply, somehow I’m scared you will say you don’t think it wise. & I will know you are right but I will want to convince you otherwise.
You came to me at a time when everything in my life had just turned upside down. My sister is terminal & I have bouts of PTSD from that event I told you about and just restarted therapy after 4 years of being ‘okay’.
No wonder I’m hooked to your smile. It makes me feel alive.
I think you deserve someone incredible & I pray heavens they make their way to you. Until then I’m gonna keep wishing we went on a real date and that I had not been afraid. Maybe in another universe our story will turn out differently. Goodbye Weird Guy.