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I cried again today. It’s been a month since we last saw each other. All I can think about is the good times we shared. In our 7 years of friendship, we’ve had so many wonderful memories together. And throughout those 7 years, I’ve always had a crush on you. It was only until the last couple of years that I realized I was already in love with you. But the night we decided to have sex was the night we forfeited our friendship. It opened a new door for us. It was fun, but we could no longer call each other friends. We were more than that, but less than an actual relationship. We did things that people in relationships do, like hold hands, kiss, go on movie dates, show affection. But after I finally told you how I felt, you told me you didn’t want a relationship. And I stupidly agreed to continue doing all those things and call it a friendship. I don’t know what’s worse, the possibility that you used me for sex and love when you had no intention of loving me back or that you did love me but didn’t have the courage to claim it. We said it to each other, but now I doubt whether or not you even cared about me just as a friend. And on our last couple months together, I decided I no longer wanted this kind of “friendship” with you. I wanted a clear line of where friendship and relationship was drawn. You didn’t want a relationship and I respected that. So I told you I didn’t want to have sex anymore and that we should really just stay friends. And you agreed. For a while. Until you decided it was okay to try and attempt sex with me again. I told you no. No. But you did not respect it. I tell myself that there was more I could’ve done. I could’ve pushed you off. I could’ve told you to go home. You didn’t force me. You just didn’t listen to me. And I know I can’t blame myself for your actions. But if this was the ultimate worst thing anyone could do in a relationship, why do I still love you? Why can’t I blame you? Why does the thought of your arm around someone else’s shoulder fill me with so much sadness? I feel like I’ve gone crazy. And the thought of me being a lesson for you makes me so angry. I am not an event you were supposed to learn from. I was your friend. I was someone who loved you. And I was hurt time and time again….I still love you. And I wish you nothing but the best in life. But I know I can’t go back to you. You believe I will cause I have before, but this time is different. Why couldn’t you just have listened to me?

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