Where to begin. An Internet love story. I had recently been dumbed from a dude that lived in PA and I was honestly fine. But then I met J on tinder – a tinder profile that I did not make and a match I didn’t swipe. My roommate (GBF) set it up and said, “you need to go on a date you’re too hot to be alone.” Little did I know that J was a smoke show. We met at a champagne bar and I thought this is just what I needed. He needed it too. He worked in investment banking and work 100+ hours a week. We had an amazing night. A few more drinks, at a few more bars, a few kisses, and a little sexy time and I was fine with that. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He asked me to spend the night and I immediately said no and got clothed and left. If I saw him again I didn’t care. But then we kept seeing each other and I was hooked on him. His blue guys, tailored suits, soft smile- he was heaven. I remember the first time we locked eyes and I told myself this is the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. Months and months go by and we were never “official” but we’re both not seeing anyone else. I’m spending the night at his place more nights than I’m staying at my own. I even had a key so I wasn’t too hung up on the title part of our relationship. I loved this guy. I’d do anything for him- grocery shopping, picking up his dry cleaning, laid out his clothes and loved every minute of it. He had his “goals and affirmation” pasted every where in his apartment, I adored that he read them out load every morning. One of his goals said, “have your girlfriend move in by end of the year.” I was thinking I’m basically there he’s going to ask so soon. The new year came nothing happened, I didn’t move in still no official title but I was in love, I didn’t care. About six more months went by and I’m still in the same situation, we’d fight about it every now in then but I just wanted him, I wanted to be his girl, I wanted to be his wife. Things in his personal life we’re getting tough. He lost his job but was fine. I helped him out with a few of his business ideas, I’d love him through it and was as supportive as possible. One of his ideas was to write a god damn book about online dating, but I supported him, I loved him. His lease was coming to and end and he decided to move back to Chicago. I was so hurt but I knew it’d be best for him and his career. We never talked or texted everyday previous to his move but when he moved in October we talked on the phone for hours. I couldn’t believe the love of my life had moved. He wanted me to not let him hold me back on anything, we’d both be in it but still not putting a title on the relationship. It’s been a year and a half at this point. We talked and still cared, kept trying to make plans to visit each other but it would work out. He still didn’t have a job and didn’t want me to pay for anything because “he owed me everything” but I frankly didn’t mind paying my way, I’d do anything for him. He finally told me “let’s do it, let’s do a long distance relationship and I’m in I need you in my life.” Nothing happened it now February and I still hadn’t seen him and I’m starting to see people and go on dates but all I can think about is J. A few weeks later he texted me asking if I’m seeing anyone and he’s dating someone. I’m devastated. Not leave the house, crying 24/7, not going to work heartbroken. He was living in this gals apartment and she was still studying abroad. He’d been living with her since December, when he was telling me he loved me and wanted it to work. I don’t talk to him February-July. I went on vacation to Chicago in July and I couldn’t go and not see him. I was torn I wanted to see him, I still loved him even after everything. And I know I sound crazy but I knew he still loved me. We meet up and I’m so mad at him but so happy to see him. He explains his is life to me and what had happened. He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend that morning and was moving out. His girlfriend told him if he saw me to not come back. And we met up and spent the whole day together. I missed it so much. It was amazing and I thought the greatest closure. I was fine for a few month we’d occasionally talk and the butterflies would come back but I knew I was better without him. That November he called me and say, “what are you doing in 2 hours” my heart fell out of my butt I knew he was coming to Denver. I met him spent the whole night together and then he professed his love to me about the other girl. I was so mad and hurt. He asked to say with me and I insisted he slept on the couch but he slept in my bed with me. Nothing happened. It was the hardest thing ever I want to just curl up next to him but he didn’t touch me. I felt like he didn’t love me like I loved him anymore. I was distant the whole time he stayed with me, he left back to Chicago and I didn’t speak to him for another few months. It’s now April three years later and I still can’t shake him. He’ll call and my heart melts. I wrestled with my feelings knowing what he did wasn’t right but know deep down I’d still do anything for him.