Sarah – HEART BROKEN ANONYMOUS

Sarah

I sit here struggling to find the words to say, how do you convey something when you are not even sure what it is that you are feeling? I never would have thought of a friendship ending as a heartbreak, but this one has definitely left me feeling broken and alone. We were friends for four years, inseparable. I considered your family my family. Our secrets were always shared. We did everything together, from doctors appointments and running to the grocery store, to wine nights at our parents houses. When you went away for college, it was hard, but we would visit each other. Every time you came home we would spend as much time hanging out as possible. We were more than best friends, we were sisters.
So when did it all go wrong? It started when you began to make stronger friendships at school. I wasn’t necessarily jealous, I was very happy that you had good friends there for you at school. But when those friendships overtook our time together when you came home, it did bother me. I was suddenly less important, every second we spent together you wanted this other friend to be there, which is okay some of the time, but some times I just wanted it to be how it used to be. Now, I do not think of myself as a petty person, I could get past that frustration of feeling left out, we could work through it like friends do, but as soon as I realized that me being in your life was no longer important, it left a burn that I wasn’t prepared for. When you needed me, I was there. When you were upset, I dropped everything to be a good friend. When you didn’t want to go out because you felt like being at home, I was okay with that, came over and watched pointless TV and let you vent. But how come I couldn’t get the same thing back? I was going through one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, my grandpa was diagnosed with Luekemia suddenly and due to distance, I wasn’t able to see him. This led me to not being able to come to your school for your birthday, due to having to stay at the house with my dogs while my parents traveled. I felt terrible, but you didn’t even really care that I couldn’t come. Then it got worse, my grandpa’s cancer sped up, he had only a couple weeks left. I couldn’t even go see him, and you didn’t even send me a text. What did I do to deserve my best friend in the world not being there for me? I would text you, and it was just about you and your life. Never about me. Now I am not a selfish person, but when I was going through the hardest thing, I needed support, I needed comfort. And you couldn’t give me any of that. Time passed, we didn’t talk at all. My grandpa passed, and I got one small text, saying you were sorry and praying for my family. That surprised me, I was so grateful to have you reach out. I responded with thank you, that means so much to me. And.. of course. That was it. Here I am almost three months later, with no communication from you. Nothing.
So why does it still hurt so bad?
I desperately am searching for something to fill this void, someone to be what you were to me. But I can’t find it. I know people move on and people grow apart, but this seemed too sudden. This didn’t seem like a slow growing apart because we had changed as people, it felt personal, almost like an attack. I was left. In the dark. And now here I am… Heartbroken without a best friend.

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