Roxy – HEART BROKEN ANONYMOUS

Roxy

This all happened me about a week ago so it’s still very raw. About a year ago I had what I believed to be a chance encounter with a guy I had no interest in when I saw him. He was a tall, relatively attractive man who worked security at the store I had been working for, I will name him Gomez ( a reference with no significance other than my nickname at one point was Cara mia). I was in charge of the floral department at a grocery store and although its sounds like a beautiful job to have, it really wasn’t fairing well with me anymore. I had been there for over a year and been having too many issues with management and stress to even be excited about it anymore. I was ready to quit. I just needed time to save a little seed money, and head off to my next adventure. One day I stopped by one of my floral displays with a cart full of new supply, and buckets of old smelly flower juice. I had a lot of work to do and I was focused on that, I didn’t even notice the person in front of my stand just staring down at me. It was Gomez, the new worker that I glanced at when he stopped by to turn in his paperwork. He was wearing a different long sleeved shirt than I was which meant one of two things. He either didn’t fit into the regulation shirt that the clerks wore, or he was management. Which I had assumed he was, because I did not know that he was security at the time, he just started. Also I had no friends at the company since I was a huge introvert and kept to myself a lot. Anyways there I am trying to reach for a bucket and he just kept staring down at me, waiting for acknowledgment. I had just been yelled at earlier for having a frown on my face earlier. The head of management was on my case for not wearing makeup and looking unhappy. I have my reasons for having a bitch face sometimes and it just means that I am working. I never intentionally try to make anyone feel uneasy around me when I am “serious” but it happened far too much that the comment stressed me out sometimes. So I looked up and acknowledge him, he smirks and says “why do you look so mad, you should try smiling a bit more”. I swear to this day I don’t know what happened but I lost it on him. I told him basically that it was rude to judge a book by its cover and I stormed off thinking I just made an enemy with a manager. Good bye beautiful flowers! I wasn’t to scared to be fired though. Not 10 minutes later I see Gomez approaching near my work station, I have to decide should I apologize or be stubborn and go out with a bang. I would go with the moment. He arrives behind my station and walks past me very slowly, I am decorating vases. He leans in next to me and says ” I am sorry if I offended you, I didn’t mean to make you hate me.” I was taken a back no one has ever come back to apologize when I yelled at them. I did the right thing, I explained that I over reacted and I said ” I don’t hate you. I don’t even know you.” He smirked back very kindly and said ” Well your either going to love me or hate me by the end of this” The end of what? He got me hooked. I needed to know and he made it known. The next 2 weeks were full of cat and mouse chases. I wanted nothing to do with him, and he kept following me around. He would stand in front of my work stations which happens to be the entrance and exits of the store. He would monitor the store while taking time to turn around and flirt with me, which I was not having at first. When I found out he was security I definitely wanted nothing to do with him, because I believed I could get in trouble for that. Still he would follow me around trying to “help me” with inventory and decoration. He would try and talk with me on my breaks. I took lunches in my car, because I hate socializing and eating around people, and he would follow me to my car with his lunch. Literally getting into my car without permission! I felt stalked, why was he so interested to get to know me? I was dumb with flirting too since my last serious relationship was like 2 years prior. I finally asked him what his deal was and he said point blank, ” I like you I wanna know you”. I had problems believing him from the start so I told him if he was looking for a hookup that I was willing to ” throw him one”. I hadn’t had sex with anyone in a year I figured it would get him off my case, while getting me off too. He insisted it wasn’t the case and after badgering me to go out with him, I finally decided to give in. He set up a date for us to go out to eat, but he bailed on me for a family emergency. Which I honestly wasn’t disappointing by, I just saw it as a sign that it was not meant to be. So we stopped talking for a week, because I didn’t really want to continue and also he was avoiding me for some reason. During a funny moment at work we reconnected, and he said he stopped talking to me because he heard I had a boyfriend and he wanted to respect that. It wasn’t true, another co worker of mine who had a crush on me at the time told him so, so he could stay away. We cleared things up, and for about three months it was smooth sailing. So I thought. Looking back we had issues. He wasn’t as great of a communicator after I left my job. He went to fast in the beginning of the relationship. He introduced himself to my parents as my boyfriend after two weeks, after I discussed taking things slow. He introduced me to his parents too early. He stopped taking me out on dates after about a month, instead we would chill all day at his or my place. which I had no problem with other than the romance was surely fading. He had issues with an ex girlfriend of his, which I had tried to help him through by giving him time to process it. He refused to let me go though. He talked about marrying me, having kids, he asked me to move in after three months. I asked him to wait on all propositions until we knew each other better. He told me he loved me at 1 month. I did love him, but I waited to say it when I was completely sure ( 3 months). It was all a whirlwind, and I fell into the madness because it was all so unreal. This man stood beside me and said all these magical things insisting he loved me so deeply. He said we had met in a past life, that we were soulmates. He was so charismatic-ally convincing that I began to believe it with no doubt this is the man of my dreams. Once I told him I loved him, everything fell apart. He began to get distant. He stopped being consistent with text or calls. He started canceling more dates, coming late, heading off early. Constant excuses and lies and emotionally neglecting me. He would insist it was all my insecurities. That he needs to be around friends, that he had something to do with his family. Which was fine with me, but why make a date with me to just cancel or just not show up at all. I took a break from him, he learned his lesson for a bit and then he went back to his habits. I took three chances on him. The final one being the most raw experience of my life. I was sure that after three months of not speaking with him, that my journey with him was over. He refused to leave it so. He came back in my life during an difficult time in my life. I was heading off to Mexico for a week to unwind from my stressful job and home life. I figured I’d go on vacation and come back refreshed with little issues at hand. He called me, and launched himself back into my life. We were speaking as friends, but the undertone was that we were flirting again and seeing where it was heading. He spent the weeks before I headed off to Mexico trying to woo me again with dates and cuddles, and the time I was abroad he called me everyday begging me to come back to him. I ate it up with so much hope. He finally changed I thought, I let him go and he came back. I was so excited to come back home to his arms, I wanted to tell him when I came back that I missed him so much, that I loved him so much. I was with him cuddling and enjoying the romance that we had left on pause. Then one night as I came back from a drunken night dancing at gay bar, where I had thought of nothing but him all night. My phone rings. Its Gomez calling for his Cara Mia. I thought it was a sign. I answer the phone and I hear sobbing and stutters. Gomez is crying and is saying alarming things. He’s hurt he says, and he want to see me. I urge him to head over, he wants to tell me something important. I wait patiently outside for him, I am so worried. He arrived stammering drunk, his eyes are still watery. I take him to my room and I lay down with him, leaning on his arm. He flinches. I look at his forearms and see raised bloody lines near his veins. They are not deep, but I begin to sob. Why? I ask, begging him to answer as he sobs. It took minutes of crying and silence, but he began to talk. As he spoke I couldn’t believe what he was saying. ” I did this because I deserve it, for what I did to you”. He began to explain that he met a girl a few years back that he had feelings for in the past, and that a week after I left the store we worked in, she began to work there. They reconnected and during the times he began getting distant with me, he was hanging out with her. He insist he didn’t cheat, he just waited until I was out of the picture to make his move. which he did during those three months we were apart. He went out with her, and loved her during that time we were apart. Then for whatever reason he reconnected with me, since she was playing hard to get and he “missed me”. He said that he came from seeing her, and that she refused him, because she wanted to try again with her ex boyfriend. He was wrapped in my arms when he said was heartbroken over her, and I couldn’t be strong anymore. I let him sleep off his sadness and alcohol and I laid awake sobbing all night next to him, I had to let go now before it killed me. The next day I dropped him off at his house and told him that this was it for us. A friendship is out of the question now I told him to seek help with family or other friends. I couldn’t do it anymore. So I tried to drill into my head as he begged me to forgive and forget. He begged me to give him another chance, he swore he wouldn’t hurt me again. I tried so desperately to listen to my brain rather than my heart, but at the final moment I saw another sign. An elderly couple walked hand in hand beside my car, looking joyful and loving. I said what came to mind. ” I want that for my life, I want someone to walk with together for the rest of my life, that’s what I need, what I deserve.” He leaned in close to me and forced kisses on me. ” That is what I’ll give to you” he said, “I promise!”. I fell into the moment I gave him a final shot. It was 2 weeks ago today that he texted me I” I still love her, I’m sorry” his heart belongs to her, and that his love for me has died. I am left shattered to bits and trying my hardest to get myself back together. I have little emotions right now, I am numb. I was foolish to let him back into my life, but I don’t regret meeting him. If you are wondering how I sent him off its very simple I sent him a video about loss and letting go by Maya Angelou. It was corny and may even seem morbid since it mainly focuses on death in the family, but oddly I feel this way right now. Like I lost someone that I am never getting back, and I am not talking about him. I am talking about me the way I used to be. The way I was so trusting and forgiving. I feel I lost a little part of myself in that relationship, like he took a huge part of my soul. My everything was put into something so unexpected and surprising. It a bittersweet pain I have within me. I loved the beautiful moments we shared together, because in some way they changed my life for the better, although the sadness looms over me now from the hurt and betrayal I had to encounter for those moment. I feel at peace sharing this, rather than keeping it inside. I have had two great loves in my life both ending in heartbreak, I hope the third and greatest love, is still caring, joyous, and kind . I hope that I can recover that for myself, before I meet the fourth love.

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