I first heard of Heartbroken Anonymous on the “I Don’t Get It” podcast and in your most recent episode on April 2nd, I listened as the woman on the episode talked about her heartbreak and could definitely relate. I wanted to reach out and tell my story in hopes that it could possibly help someone else to know they’re not alone, but also to assist in the grieving process of my own heartbreak. Here’s my story:
A little less than a year ago, I was out with two of my best friends. We were sitting at a bar in the East Village in New York and I was complaining to them about how fed up with relationships I was. I had been single for about two years and my last relationship ended so terribly. I had been living in New York for about a year and had had a few flings, but nothing serious like I really craved. I had been hanging out with a few different guys, but I didn’t really feel fulfilled. I guess it would also help to tell you at this time that I was in the closet and hadn’t come out to any of my family or friends. So after a few whiskeys, I finally had the courage to tell my friends that I thought that I wanted to start dating women. Not the “coming out” that I would have liked, but hey we all have to start somewhere, right? My friend immediately took my phone and changed my preferences on Bumble to “women and men” and started swiping for me. I matched with a few girls but felt nervous on how to respond. This was something so new to me and I felt like I was back in 5th grade with my first crush. Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had been on Bumble talking to a few people and had even gone on my first lady date! I felt like I was truly living my life authentically for the first time. I had come out to many of my friends, my sister, and even a few of my family members.
And then I met her. I matched with her on a Monday morning and something just felt different right from the start. We talked for a few days and finally decided to meet up that Friday. I was out with two of my buddies, and she was out with two of hers. We met at one of my favorite bars and within an hour, our friends had left and it was just the two of us left. We headed to another bar and stayed out until 3 in the morning just talking. It was easily the best date of my entire life. The next morning when I headed to work at 8:30 am (woof) I didn’t even care that I was on less than 4 hours of sleep, I was on cloud 9. I got a text from her around 10 saying sorry for keeping me up all night and hoping that my day was going okay. I told her I was so tired but I was doing okay, but that I would kill for a blue gatorade. About an hour later, a man from Postmates walks up to my bar and says, “are you Leah?” to which I responded, yes. He hands me a bag with a blue gatorade and a Cliff bar. Basically, the rest is history.
We fell in love hard and fast. We started spending every moment together; meeting each others friends, and even her family who was only about an hour away. We talked about everything. We learned so much about each other. I truly felt like she was my person. But as time went on, little arguments started popping up. I was insecure about certain friends of hers, her ex girlfriends, the fact that she had dated other women before me and I felt like she was so much more experienced than I was. I will admit that I let my own insecurities get in the way of our relationship. However, even when things were rocky, I felt like we always came back to each other. We always had each other. I finally felt understood. I finally felt safe. But unfortunately the fighting got to be too much for her. Even after seeing a therapist with each other for about a month, we couldn’t get things back on track.
We spent Valentine’s Day together this year and things had been pretty rocky for a few weeks. We had a good night together and I thoughts things were moving forward. The next day, I was at my volunteer job and she texted me saying that she was feeling sick. She said she had to leave work and I asked her if she wanted me to come and get her. (Her job is only a few blocks away from the place that I volunteer at.) I went to get her and she was having a panic attack. I took her home and tried my best to calm her down but I could tell something was up. She said that she had been battling with these feelings for so long and that her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I was completely devastated. She kept saying she still loved me and that was making it ten times harder. If you love me then why can’t we be together? Why can’t we work through this? Over the next week we talked a few times and we couldn’t work it out. She came a few days later to pick up her things and we haven’t really talked since then.
To say that I’m heartbroken is a gross understatement. I lost the person in my life that I thought would always be there for me. The person who reassured me time and time again that they would never leave me, left. It has been about 7 weeks now and although each day gets easier, I still think of her everyday. I would be lost without my friends, family and my therapist for getting me through this time. Although the time apart has been hard, it has given me some sort of clarity and made me realize that we must have not been meant to be. I wanted emotional reassurance that I was not able to get from my partner. She thought we needed to spend more time apart and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Of course there are so many other factors in our relationship and it would take hours to explain each thing that happened, good or bad, but in the end I’m still hurting. Even though we must not be meant to be, I am still hurting. I am still heartbroken. I can’t even think about moving on. I know this will get easier in time, but right now it feels like I can’t move on.
Hearing the woman on the last episode talking about how she’s heartbroken too made me realize that I’m not alone. So thank you for having her on your podcast and for starting this group. If I’m ever in LA, I’m definitely going to try to come to a meeting.