J – HEART BROKEN ANONYMOUS

J

I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and we started getting into verbal fights where he would mentally and verbally abuse me . I told him I wasn’t gonna put up with it anymore but couldn’t bring myself to leave because it would hurt too much , so I thought staying wouldn’t hurt me and he would eventually stop. Some days he left me wondering if I was good enough for anybody. He made me think it was always my fault we got into arguments and for a while I actually believed it. And whenever I tried to leave he would say focus on the positive moments you only focused on the bad. And he made me really happy some days , he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world and I thought I would never find that with anybody else . All my friends thought he was no good for me and I desperately wanted to prove them wrong because I thought he was perfect for me. Around January right before my birthday my friends convinced me to cut him out of my life forever and told me that I would feel so much better. At first me and him sat on the phone and cried to each other because I didn’t want to leave and he didn’t want me to either. He kept apologizing and I told myself not to believe it because he had apologized before and never meant it. It was something about him crying to me and showing me a side he hasn’t before that made me want to say I would never leave , even if he wanted me to. But it ended . I cried my eyes out in my bedroom and wouldn’t leave because i thought my life was over. I thought there was no point in interacting with people because they wouldn’t understand . And what made it worse was that I had to see his face everyday and I repeatedly told myself not to look at him and don’t let him know your hurting. I had convinced myself and my friends that I was over him and they had nothing to worry about . They of course had doubts that I would always run back to him because I had no self control around him and they were right , I didn’t. After all he had got a new girlfriend and I hated myself for hating her when she had done nothing to me . Then I found out they broke up and I was ecstatic . I started having these dreams about me and him and they were confusing me because me and him barely talk . But I texted him and told him about the dreams even with my friends telling me not to . He did what he always does , he made me feel completely better and told me I had nothing to worry about because he would take care of me . And I did exactly what my friends thought I would , I fell back into his trap . But I’m scared because I don’t want to open myself up again and he hurts me like he did before . I’m afraid I can’t talk to anybody about this because they wouldn’t understand where I was coming from and see my side .

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